When I got the news last week that my position at work was being eliminated, I was at first pissed off about it. The anger was quickly replaced, however, by a renewed feeling of liberation. I’ve spent the past week both excited and scared by what the future may bring.
As I wrote in the Your Space section of my Vassar application so many years ago in 1994 (could it be that that was nearly 10 years ago?), a blank slate excites and terrifies me; it represents infinite possibilities. As a lifelong writer, I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with writing, as I do with most other things about which I am passionate. I view this life change in much the same way. As a human, I am a creature of habit. I’m used to sitting at a desk 40 hours a week and earning a regular paycheck. But I’m sick of that. I want to break away from the status quo and feed this burning passion I was born with that tells me to venture out there and take risks in this world. We only live once and this life is ours to make it what we will.
During the past eight days of liberation, I’ve had a number of thoughts and ideas about what’s next. Perhaps it’s another job at Autodesk (not likely); maybe it’s expanding my consulting business by putting more time and energy into it; it could be another technology job here in San Francisco; perhaps it’s something entirely new in an entirely new place like Vermont. What if this is the time to move away from the comfort zone? To pursue that burning desire to create something that is my own and something that is good? I feel this powerful energy that’s somehow drawing me to someplace like Burlington to feed this inner-craving to get away from office life.
It’s stressful to think about all the details that come with such a major life change and possibly a big cross-country move. It’s hard not to get caught up in all the little details of not having a steady income beyond January — paying for food, car, shelter, health coverage — but I think it’s important to look beyond the minute and at the bigger picture of life.
Glenn put it best today when he wrote to me and Jen: “If you want to go, then go — enjoy the momentous rush of free will. You own your lives, and you have the financial freedom to do what you want — so just decide what you want and then work on details from there.”
Today while driving home across the Golden Gate Bridge I had a “momentous rush of free will” and inspiration: That one of our (Jen’s) ideas — to open a bed and breakfast in Vermont — makes perfect sense. It seems to be the union of many of our life goals: Run our own business; secure financial independence; own real estate; spend time together; leave cubicle life behind.
The details of anything can always be figured out, but sometimes the hardest part of life is setting a goal, figuring out what our dreams are, and making what we can only imagine real.
“Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it.”
– Chuck Palahnuik
Choke
