Blog Master G

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City Sewer Monster

Monday, November 3rd, 2003 · 3 Comments

4:30am: Wake up. Stumble down hallway to the loo. Use loo. Proceed to sink. Start to wash hands. Oh shit! Jump back. Giant sewer monster is sitting there, staring back at me. What the hell is that thing? It’s not a spider, I don’t think. But it’s as big as a tarantula. It’s not a cricket. Wife wakes up. “What’s going on?” she asks as she hears me ruffling through the kitchen cabinet. “Oh nothing,” I tell her. “Just looking for a cup to capture this giant thing in the bathroom sink. It’s under control.” Concerned, the wife gets out of bed, grabs newsprint weapon, and follows me into bathroom. “That thing’s got a stinger!” she proclaims. Hell yeah it does. Scooping it up with a cup and into toilet is out. But damn, this thing is photo worthy. Snap photo for later use on blog. Always plan ahead for good blog material. “Hit it with the newspaper,” the wife suggests. “No way,” I tell her. That won’t work. “It might splatter,” I explain. She laughs at me and asks me to explain. “You see,” I tell her, “back in the day I once attacked a giant moth with a paper towel. The thing was so huge that when I squeezed it, the moth juice hit me in the eye.” Don’t want to repeat that traumatic incident. OK, capturing with plastic cup and gracefully transferring to toilet is out. Baseball bat? Oh, we don’t own one. New plan: Attack with bottom of plastic cup. “Sever the head from the abdomen,” wife from the country coaches. I take a deep breath. “Want me to do it?” wife asks. Focus. Bang! Smash sewer monster with brute force and grind. Remove cup to examine damage. Good, no sewer monster juice. Holy crap! It’s still moving. Get it again! Smash! Pound! “Sever the head! Sever the head! Get it at an angle!”


Sewer monster parts strewn about the bathroom sink. It’s over. Regroup. Call in the cleanup team. Back to bed. Shake off feeling of creepy crawlers. Try to sleep. Until next time, the sewer monster squad hangs up its plastic battle cups.

The only explanation: New York City Morlocks are sending sewer monsters to San Francisco.

Tags: comedy

3 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Jentle // Nov 3, 2003 at 12:32 pm

    Heh. Good job monster fighting.

  • 2 Dave Reed // Nov 3, 2003 at 4:55 pm

    It could have been a large cricket. A Jerusalem-Cricket-like critter.

    Reminds me of when my mom sucked up a large, grey, hairy spider off the wall with a vacuum cleaner. I’m certain that thing was about human-hand-sized.

  • 3 beerzie boy // Nov 4, 2003 at 2:13 pm

    Dave is right. It’s a A Jerusalem-Cricket. I’ve only seen them outside though. Pretty grisly.