Blog Master G

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God Will Double Your Profits

Monday, January 30th, 2006 · 3 Comments

“‘How dare you maintain that those who believe in the Judeo-Christian values are better qualified to govern America than Hindus and Muslims?’ My simple answer is, `Yes, they are.'”
– Pat Robertson

Yesterday was a lazy day around the A_nderson household — random computer stuff, video games, TV — so we found ourselves watching the 700 Club to see what blasphemy Pat Robertson & Co. were preaching to the masses. We joined programming during a fundraising effort wherein a pointless countdown timer would reset itself every 15 minutes (yes, we watched that long, and even came back to the program a couple hours later to see what a long 15 minutes it had been).

During good ol’ Pat’s begging for money so that he can continue preaching in God’s name, the show cut to an oh so moving story about a couple in Alaska who operates a tour boat company. The business was struggling and affecting their marriage. Whatever could they do? Pat had the answer: Give me all your money and you’ll be saved. So sure enough, it seems that that’s exactly what happened. This poor couple gave a bunch of money to the 700 Club and next thing they knew, they had doubled their profits and business was great. Thanks, Pat! Somehow you saved the day.

I was confused. How did Pat Robertson double this couple’s profits? Was he behind the new deal the couple had signed with a cruise ship company to bring its passengers to their small tour boat?

Nope. Apparently, God was behind that deal. How do I know? I called the 700 Club to ask. I talked to a nice lady who had a true passion in her voice; I did not get the impression that she was reading from a script. After asking her what benefits membership in the 700 Club would give me (a copy of Pat’s book, keeping the show on the air, etc.), I asked her to explain to me how the couple with the boat was able to double their profits after giving to the 700 Club; I told her I wanted to double my profits, too.

She explained that no, it wasn’t the 700 Club that had doubled their profits. Oh no. It was God. God and His Kingdom. By giving to the 700 Club — apparently the direct deposit to God’s bank account — this couple had given to God. And God loves money. Who doesn’t love money? So God helped double the couple’s profits by sending this cruise ship their way.

I wonder if God is in debt. God knows the U.S. is in debt and will be for generations. Maybe we should take out a loan from God to continue bombing the hell out of Iraq and other nations. Iran is on the list. I’m sure God would love to help us bomb Iran. Just ask Pat Robertson. He seems to be God’s messenger who preys on broke and desperate people with nowhere to turn but the Christian Broadcast Network.

America. Fuck yeah.

Tags: the world

3 responses so far ↓

  • 1 suzanne // Jan 30, 2006 at 10:26 am

    I have a feeling that God will be wiretapping your phone lines very soon.

  • 2 Jonty // Jan 30, 2006 at 1:48 pm

    As an orthodox Muslim, I will be the first to admit that those practicing my religion have many shortcommings. One thing I reallly love about my religion, though, is that the donation of money has never been tied to religious rewards. Don’t get me wrong… people donate money, but people don’t tend to ASK for money. It’s considered bad form.

    As an example, I can walk int any mosque in the world, without being an affiliated member (no such thing really exists), and pray. Additionally, no one will ever hand around a collection plate, or give pressure to donate.

    That said, however, it is worth pointing out that there are five pillars to Islam:

    1- Belief in a singular God, and the fact that Mohammad is his messanger
    2- Observance of prayer five times per day
    3- So long as one can afford it, a once-in-a-life time pilgramage to Mecca (Hajj)
    4- Observance of Ramadan (month of fast)
    5- Giving of about 2% of one’s free income to charity

    No one is allowed to tell us how to allocate the charity, though.

  • 3 Joe V. // Jan 31, 2006 at 10:44 am

    In the immortal words of Bono:

    “The God I believe in isn’t short of cash, mister.”