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Attention Liberals: Please Breed

Friday, September 29th, 2006 · 1 Comment

Mark Morford / SFGate: Attention Liberals: Please Breed / Conservatives are outbirthing libs by a wide margin. How soon can you get knocked up?

Let this be your rallying cry. Let it be your new hot-button topic, a raw naked condomless blog-ready wildfire underground grassroots crusade, your juiciest of incentive programs, your inspired call to hot naked impregnable sperm-a-riffic action.

Because the statistics are ugly, getting uglier: Despite all divine hope and prayer to the contrary, it looks like baby-happy conservatives are outbreeding liberals by a margin of some 20 to 40 percent.

It’s a fact. It’s a trend. It’s an onslaught. It’s a dreadful soul-curdling predicament and the reasons for the Republican baby blitz are myriad, having to do with the lethal Christian belief that God really wants big narcotized families and birth control is a sin and, well, what the hell else are social conservatives gonna do with all that oily Halliburton stock and Lockheed Martin profit? Donate to charity? Buy some Implanon? Save the planet? Ha.

Not to mention the thing about progressive city dwellers generally possessing higher intelligence, better educations, a more nuanced understanding of the world. Translation: We tend to think that if God wants anything at all, She wants free birth control and fewer warmongering cretins and the wild uncontrolled spread of unconditional nondenominational love of a kind that doesn’t necessarily require a diaper and a burp blanket and a college fund. I’m just saying.

I am willing to go even further. Pending the necessary venture capital, I shall open the Mark Morford Summer Camp for Luminous Toddlers. Here is where kids will learn the fine arts of archery, yoga, organic farming, naughty Spanish slang, frat-boy incapacitation techniques, sake classifications, Fox News Neocon Bull– Detection, how to properly tune a Fender Strat, and how to look at breeding Christian conservatives and laugh and shrug and offer them a drink and a vibrator and a copy of “Jitterbug Perfume” and a polyamorous weekend in Sonoma.

Jesus Camp

Tags: politics

1 response so far ↓

  • 1 jen a. // Sep 29, 2006 at 11:42 am

    hah! i love it. and, yet, at the same time, reading it makes me understand all the more why people love to hate on elitist liberals.
    i am living proof that growing up in a family of staunch conservatives does not necessarily mean that you will become one. still, it’s a good chuckle.